No Carbs! by Adam Henderson FREE

Hello all,

My novella No Carbs! is available to download for FREE in both epub and mobi ebook formats. It took me a while to figure how to publish free ebooks, but now that I have, you can look forward to more free publications from me.

Synopsis:

After morbidly obese Ronald Portman is humiliated by the woman he loves, he decides that he has had enough of being a perpetual fat joke and enrols in a weight-loss program he finds online-- one that is run by a mentally unstable war veteran, which has only one rule: No Carbs! The rule might be simple enough, but Ronald is about to find out that the punishment for breaking it is murder!

FREE DOWNLOAD:

- Epub (via Lulu)
- Mobi (via File Dropper)

I would love it so much if you could read my novella and leave me some feedback either via comment on this blog or email at adam.henderson86@mail.com.

Thank-you so much.

- Adam.

2013 Movies Top 5/ Bottom 5.

Considering 2013 is done and dusted, I thought it might be fun to write my top 5/ bottom 5 movies for the year with the unlucky number in its end. A note to those concerned that their favourite movie didn't make the list: I didn't watch many movies in 2013, so there is a chance that if I view your favourite, it will make the list (I'm particularly keen to see You're Next and Stoker). So here we go, in no particular order:

TOP:

Gravity

Gravity is essentially a master-class of suspense in space. I will argue the merits of this film with anyone that cares to. It's a visual effects spectacle to be sure, and despite dialogue which was serviceable but didn't pop, it still managed to engage this viewer so much that he saw it a second time in the cinema. Bullock proves that she has acting chops and Clooney is as good as always. An original idea executed almost flawlessly.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Like Gravity, I believe that The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, owes much of its success to its special effects, 3D and visual presentation (most notably, the high-frame rate technology). Watching The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug feels like looking through a window into another world. I have a few problems with it, and the film that preceded it-- and I don't think they are comparable to The Lord of the Rings trilogy, but hey, it's a trip back to Middle-Earth and it's helmed by Peter Jackson, so that's gotta be worth something, right? The dragon is amazingly animated, and it sets the benchmark for dragons in film.

This Is The End

I'm a sucker for Seth Rogen and co., and This Is The End delivered for me on so many levels. I know that the whole meta element of the film (the fact that Seth Rogen and co. play themselves) is probably pretentious, but fuck me, it worked. I was in stitches at several points-- "What's cheese without a cracker?". This movie has delivered so many quotable lines, and just sheer hilarious insanity that there was no way I couldn't include it in my top-five.

Pacific Rim

Pacific Rim is a case of the blockbuster done properly. I was reluctant to watch this movie-- and didn't at the cinema-- because I thought it was going to be another Transformers style train-wreck (complete with robotic snake monsters that destroy the city-- seriously, every blockbuster seems to have one of these now). I should have known better given that fact that Guillermo Del Toro is responsible for this delightful film. I watched it in 3D on my brand new television and was pleasantly surprised. Sure, it is a film about giant robots wailing on enormous beasts from another dimension, but Del Toro injects heart into the movie, and this makes the battle scenes much more powerful than the likes of Transformers, or even (dare I say it) Man of Steel. Pacific Rim doesn't quite achieve 'great' status; I would have liked a greater exploration of the mind-meld technology (I seriously think it has the potential to become the new Force ala Star Wars), and the character development needs... well.. development, but I thoroughly recommend this one.

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

This is the latest addition to the list and replaced Iron Man 3. I saw the Anchorman sequel a few days ago and thought it was hilarious. Will Ferrell's bizarre creation, Ron Burgundy, is simultaneously repulsive, despicable and utterly loveable. The first film was loved because of its disregard for logic and its embrace of insanity, and though the first two acts of Anchorman 2 don't really live up to the zaniness of its predecessor, by the time the third act rolls around, the viewer will experience the protagonist singing a passionate ode to a pet shark, and fighting a both a ghost and a minotaur.

BOTTOM:

The World's End

I've already trashed The World's End in a movie showdown and it's enough to say that whenever I think back to this film, I get angry. The logical inconsistencies serve to undermine any supposed depth the film tries to ensure the viewer it has. Characters that are clearly average, middle-class British citizens, somehow know how to fight like Bruce Lee. When characters are this unbelievable, it's hard to feel empathy for them. The World's End is a lazy film from lazy film-makers, who possess all the fiery self-righteousness of proud nerds, but little of the talent to actually create a pop. culture artefact that truly resonates with nerds. Okay, Shaun of the Dead was pretty good, but that's about it.

Oblivion

Aesthetically pleasing but ultimately flat sci-fi that is a blatant rip-off of a much better film (Moon). I'm not a Tom Cruise hater, and will defend him in roles like Jerry Maguire or Ethan Hunt till the day I die, but Oblivion was the dudliest of duds. What's the deal with Tom Cruise, a fifty-something, having all these twenty-something romantic interests? If the situation were reversed; if Helen Hunt shared the screen with Channing Tatum, it would be laughable, but because he is a man, I guess Tom Cruise gets to film fuck scenes with women young enough to be his daughter. Bit sexist, no? Anyway, we won't go into that. Suffice to say that Oblivion blew pretty hard.

Man of Steel

Again, I think it's a case of finding it hard to empathise with a character that is clearly unrealistic. They try to do it by showing a young Clark Kent struggling to control his powers, and by playing up the whole alienation angle, but I'm not buying it. I mean you'd think that Superman would have super mental health in addition to super strength, wouldn't you? Am I wrong? (No Adam, you're just an ass-hole). Russell Crowe was the bomb, though.

The Wolverine

Oh the potential with The Wolverine! It was going to be directed by Darren Aronofsky, the brilliant film-maker behind Requiem for a Dream and Black Swan, but he dropped out for some reason and what we got was like a propaganda film for mediocrity. Hugh Jackman said in an interview that the reason there was no blood in The Wolverine was because he wanted kids to be able to go to the movies and see their favourite superhero. Bull-fucking-shit! A Wolverine-takes-Japan movie needed to have one thing above all else, and that was the titular hero schinking his claws and fucking beheading people, with jets of blood pulsating out of open wounds, anime style. I mean, come the fuck on!

World War Z

Having watched a lot of Gordon Ramsey's My Kitchen Rules at the time, I walked out of this one shouting "It's fucking BLAND!" I don't like shitting on writers, believe me, I really subscribe to the motto that if you have nothing nice to say, you should shut-the-fuck-up, but how the hell is Damon Lindleof still finding work? This movie gets points just because Brad Pitt seems like the kind of guy you'd like to have as a friend, but apart from that, it's case of too little too late for this zombie apocalypse movie that was hyped like a mother-fucker and ultimately came dripping out Hollywood like a turd after eating nothing but soft cheeses for weeks.

Well that's it! I look forward to watching more movies in 2014, as well as reading many books (and hopefully finishing the one I'm writing). Currently half way through reading The Fellowship of The Ring, in my bid to re-read The Lord of the Rings, and will post a review when I'm done.

Thanks for reading,

Adam.

A Storm of Swords- Book 2: Blood and Gold by George R.R. Martin

SPOILERS!

(Major spoilers for those who only watch the TV show)

This is the installment that features the infamous Red Wedding sequence, which Martin handles really well with tense, taut prose:

"No one sang the words, but Catelyn knew 'The Rains of Castamere' when she heard it. Edwyn was hurrying towards a door. She hurried faster, driven by the music. Six quick strides and she caught him. And who are you, the proud lord said, that I must bow so law? She grabbed Edwyn by the arm to turn him and went cold all over when she felt the iron rings beneath his silken sleeve. Catelyn slapped him so hard she broke his lip. Olyvar, she thought, and Perwyn, Alesander, all absent. And Roslin wept... Edwyn Frey shoved her aside. The music drowned all other sound, echoing off the walls as if the stones themselves were playing. Robb gave Edwyn and angry look and moved to block his way... and staggered suddenly as a quarrel sprouted from his side, just beneath the shoulder."

This is really an abrupt style of prose from Martin, made more abrupt in the context of the sprawling chapters either side of it. You see, A Song of Ice and Fire achieves the majority of its tension not through violence, but through psycho-political maneuvering and the subsequent threat of violence. The events that led to the Red Wedding started in the first novel of this saga, and so this particular chapter is an unexpected and brutal climax. It makes for compelling reading, and Martin is utterly successful in achieving reader engagement.

What I also like about the series so far, is how historical realism is blended with magic. There are seven books in the series (as of writing), and each book is really an epic in its own right. For the majority of the novels, there is not much going on in the magic department (this ain't Hogwarts, folks), but then Martin will throw in some magic that is actually quite bat-shit insane. After the infamous Red Wedding sequence, in which two Starks are brutally slain, the concluding chapter of A Storm of Swords presents us with a newly resurrected Catelyn Stark who can't speak because her throat has been slit:

"Her cloak and collar hid the gash his brother's blade had made, but her face was even worse than he remembered. The flesh had gone pudding soft in the water and turned the color of curdled milk. Half her hair was gone and the rest had turned as white and brittle as a crone's. Beneath her ravaged scalp, her face was shredded skin and black blood where she had raked herself with her nails. But her eyes were the most terrible thing. Her eyes saw him, and they hated. 'She don't speak,' said the big man in the yellow cloak. 'You bloody bastards cut her throat too deep for that. But she remembers.' He turned to the dead woman and said, "What do you say, m'lady? Was he part of it?" Lady Cateyln's eyes never left him. She nodded."

 I mean talk about crazy! Where the hell did that idea even come from? You know what? I don't really care where it came from, because it's a work of genius. In the hands of a lesser writer, such insanity wouldn't fly, but because Martin writes with confidence and finesse, he manages to pull it off perfectly.

Movie Showdown #5: Shooter (2007) vs. From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

SPOILERS!

It is time for another movie showdown. This time we have Marky Mark with a high-powered sniper rifle in one corner, and George Clooney and a handful of pissed off Mexican vampires in the other. Which movie should you see? Well don't stress too much about making the decision, because I'm here to make the decision for you, like one of those helpful ladies in a jewellery store who just sort of roll their eyes, nod, and tell you which ring you should get your girl.

Shooter (2007)

At the beginning of Shooter, I couldn't help but feeling like I was watching a K-Mart Jason Bourne movie. The mid-to-late 00s was the era of the intellectual spy movie. The last instalment of the aforementioned Bourne saga was released, James Bond had done away with invisible cars, and villains with diamonds embedded in their face in exchange for gritty realism, and (some would say) poorly written dialogue (there, I said it!). So I was expecting Shooter to be filled with a few weighty moral conundrums, as well as some deep protag anxiety and existential angst.

In this respect, I was pleasantly surprised. Marky Mark has no business questioning the pointlessness of life, and he doesn't in Shooter. Instead he gets angry at corrupt political figures and shoots stuff (some strong anti-Republican stuff here). Shooter is a fun action movie to watch. It's not as outlandish as White House Down, but I suppose you could say it's going for the same sort of vibe-- the 'this is an action movie, and action movies are supposed to be fun!' vibe.

I would have liked a few more sniper sequences. There are only really two major ones in the movie, and the former is far too short. The final sequence (set in the snowy fields of Alaska(?)) is pretty cool, but I'm afraid it's a case of too little too late.

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

I've seen From Dusk Till Dawn multiple times. I watched it again last night and all I can say is Wow! What a fucking movie! If you haven't seen it and don't want things spoiled (trust me, this is the kind of movie that spoiler warnings were invented for), then turn back now.

The first half of this opens like a typical Quentin Tarantino gangster film (typical is not synonymous with boring-- I'd rather watch a 'typical' Tarantino movie than most other movies), and then it mutates into a genre vampire movie. This mutation is so insanely left-field that it puts many viewers off. The mate I watched it with commented that he was really into the film for the first half, but the second half lost him. This is a problem that I'm guessing a lot of people have. However, if you're the type of person that digs genre cinema, and likes the idea of writers/directors experimenting with genre, then you really have to watch From Dusk Till Dawn.

Tarantino confirms his status as the absolute king of dialogue. The opening sequence presents us with one of the funniest, richest bit characters of cinema, Sheriff Earl McGraw, who is utterly offensive and utterly engaging. He drops pearlers like: "When you gonna learn that that microwave food will kill you faster than a bullet? I mean, them damn burritos ain't good for nothin' but a hippy-- when he's high on weed." His subsequent rant about allowing mentally disabled people work in fast-food restaurants is pure, highly offensive gold.

From Dusk Till Dawn culminates in a frenzy of vampire slaying that is packed with crazy characters. There's a Vietnam veteran who regales the main characters with stories of fighting Charlie in the jungle. There's also a leather-clad biker named Sex Machine who know his way around a whip. It's good fun, and it just oozes fucking cool.

You should see:

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

A Storm of Swords- Book 1: Steel and Snow (2000) by George R. R. Martin

WARNING: Here be SPOILERS!!!!

So I've jumped well and truly on the Game of Thrones band-wagon. I can't even claim to be a true fan, as I started reading after watching the first episode.

 If I'm honest, I don't even watch the show anymore. I've seen the first season in its entirety, but that's it. I'm sticking pretty closely to the books, mainly because of my girlfriend, who is a frothing A Song of Ice and Fire fan, eagerly awaiting George R. R. Martin's (hereafter referred to as GRRM) next instalment. It's actually quite funny, I'll come to some shocking revelation in the book and discuss it with her, and she'll just scoff and tell me how far behind I am ("You know nothing, Jon Snow!").

What did I think of this, the first-half of the third book (that's a mouthful) in the series? Yeah, I enjoyed it. Quite a lot actually. I initially went in believing that GRRM was a really solid purveyor of what I term meat-and-potato prose (that is, prose with no real emphasis on the poetry of language), but there are a few parts in this book, a few little jokey flourishes that are surprisingly poetic on a comedic level.

When Tyrion awakes from his coma after the events in A Clash of Kings, he is greeted by the loveably ambiguous eunuch, Varys, who tells him how the Queen-Regent Cersei has stolen Tyrion's spies, the Kettlebacks. The following exchange occurs:

"The Kettlebacks report frequently to your sweet sister." "When I think of how much coin I paid those wretched... do you think there's any chance that more gold might win them away from Cersei?" "There is always a chance, but I should not care to wager on the likelihood. They are knights now, all three, and your sister has promised them further advancement." A wicked little titter burst from the eunuch's lips. "And the eldest, Ser Osmund of the Kingsguard, dreams of certain...other...favors... as well. You can match the queen coin for coin, I have no doubt, but she has a second purse that is quite inexhaustible."

The double entendres are deliciously funny and you get a few of them in Steel and Snow.

I've often described A Song of Ice and Fire as a kind of R rated Lord of the Rings, and I stand by it. I love this series, I love how unconventionally bleak it is.

 Magic, in the world of Westeros (and beyond) is a dark and almost unheard of affair. When it does crop up, it's treated as if it's completely mundane by the characters, and even though the dragons are sought after, they are pursued with a greed and lack of wonder that only adult human beings can possess. When men try to buy Daenery's dragons on her journey, they do so the way you can imagine certain affluent men pursuing sex slaves; not with an appreciation or wonder at beauty, but with a cold and calculating need to dominate everything unique and beautiful about the world.

I've also maintained that A Song of Ice and Fire is a actually a study in the pursuit of political power, and how the laws dreamed up by men, even those claiming to be of divine origin, are fickle in comparison in the face of brute power and violence.

The Unsullied, an army of robot-like, disciplined, soldiers, trained since birth (not unlike the Spartans) is a pretty cool idea, as well. Each member of the The Unsullied are given a puppy dog at birth and they have to kill it when they come of age, in a sickeningly brutal rite of passage.

I enjoyed this book, but I also feel that I can't really give an adequate review of it in isolation. Maybe when the whole series is done, I'll do a massive review of it. Until then, I thoroughly recommend A Song of Ice and Fire-- not that you probably need my recommendation to know its brilliance, not at this point in time.

Movie Showdown 4: The Internship (2013) vs. The World's End (2013)

Big fan of both Shaun of the Dead and The Wedding Crashers, so this movie showdown is sure to be interesting indeed. In The World's End (2013), Simon Pegg and co. play characters who are returning to the town that they grew up in order to finish a pub crawl that they didn't complete back in their high-school days, only to find that it has been taken over by robots. In The Internship (2013), Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson play two computer illiterate and out-of-work salesmen who apply for Google's internship program. Both are comedies, though one does have some horror elements to it. Which will be the victor?

The World's End (2013)

This viewer saw Shaun of the Dead at the movies way back in 2004 as a teenager (God, I'm that old, am I?), and was really quite impressed. The same viewer, a few years later, saw Hot Fuzz at the movies and enjoyed it, but didn't think it was anywhere near the same caliber as its zombie-comedy predecessor. I'm afraid to say that I didn't like The World's End at all. It was kind of a massive mess of a movie, and the fact that it has received all this critical praise is actually kind of baffling.

It starts out promisingly enough, and there is some potentially interesting character development in the beginning-- primarily concerning Pegg's washed-up, alcoholic protagonist, but it all just fizzles out in the long run, and this is mainly due to the complete lack of regard for logic in the screenplay.

An example, you ask? Well when the heroes discover that the town has been taken over by hostile robots, their answer to the problem is to keep drinking, to keep on pursuing the golden mile. Come on, that's the stupidest, most illogical thing ever! Also, for some reason, five extremely British, extremely middle-class desk jockeys are also competent martial artists? Give me a break.

There are a few effective concepts  at play here: the way light beams out of the robots' head is pretty creepy, and some of the dialogue works (though not enough by a long-shot). However, the robots and their motives and modus operandi are not properly explained, and the apocalyptic ending is shabbily tacked on and supremely glib.

The Internship (2013)

I'd heard that this film sucked, so I didn't go see it at the movies. I'm a huge fan of Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, and I think The Wedding Crashers just might be one of the funniest movies I've seen ("You've heard the saying that we only use ten percent of our brains? Well I like to think we only use ten percent of our hearts.") I did manage to catch The Internship on bluray, however, and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised.

Sure it's not the most innovative or even original screenplay, and you can probably detect elements of its three-act structure from space, but The Internship is a genuinely heart-felt consideration of some universal themes. Themes like social isolationism and finding and utilising our inner strengths -- it's all there and it's dealt with in a way that is refreshingly optimistic and funny. Many critics are labelling it as a prolonged advertisement for Google-- and it most certainly is-- but it's also incredibly funny.

Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn shine in this, and part of the appeal is watching the two social butterflies navigate a technological world populated by socially awkward computer geeks. You throw in a dash of computer illiteracy on behalf of Wilson and Vaughn, and you've got a recipe for some great scenes. One, involving Vaughn explaining his idea for an app (that is basically Instagram) is particularly hilarious.

Owen Wilson also gets his fair share of the laughs as well, with his Southern American and utterly optimistic charm-in-the-face-of-adversity sure to melt even the most cynical of hearts (he says to the film's antagonist, a ruthless twenty-something he is competing against: "There's always gonna be a joker who wants to play fuck-around. I guess that's going to be you, man. Okay. At least we know.") I found it all pretty hard to resist.

You should go and see:

The Internship

It was a surprisingly good movie, and when the competition is disturbingly unthoughtful swill like The World's End, it's really no choice at all.

Mr. Skittles (Now Available!)

My first short-story is now available for Kindle via the Kindle store. I originally intended to make it free to view, but apparently you can't do that, so I'm charging the bare minimum (0.99c).

For less than a dollar, you can experience Mr. Skittles, a horror short-story that is a ghost-story with a bit of a twist in its tail.

The Amazon synopsis:

Lily can't sleep.
During recess, her friend Ethan told her the story of Mr. Skittles, an ice-cream man who was drowned in the lake, who comes out every once and a while to drag kids down to the murky bottom.
Although she knows that the story couldn't possibly be true-- that Mr. Skittles couldn't possibly exist-- she still lays awake at night, unable to get to sleep. And when she hears something sliding open her window, when her curtain begins to flap in the night breeze that is now able to enter her room, she comes face to face with true and utter horror.

Please buy my story. If you are a premium member, you can borrow it for free.

Thanks guys,

- A.